This month is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. .
I've spent some time in recent months reflecting on my experiences with miscarriage as I've had several friends experience it for the first time. Grief is a hard thing to put words to and yet I've found the exercise helpful and healing. .
For anyone who has suffered the significant loss of a miscarriage, I wrote this with you in mind. ❤️
It’s almost laughable how much control we think we have in our lives, how much we imagine and perceive that really we are the ones holding our little world together, making it spin, creating it to be just as we’d like it to be. We have to laugh when the thing we thought we’d make for dinner burns, our car battery won’t start, the weather isn’t what we had hoped. Oh well, some times it is just totally laughable the way we don’t actually control everything we hoped we could… except when it isn’t. Except when it’s heartbreaking. Except when our disappointments are wrapped in grief and anguish, and confusion, and mixed up responsibility; except when another life is involved, and you’ll never see their face. Miscarriage. .
This grief is strange. Maybe all grief is strange and unique to each person and circumstance, but there is something unique about this kind of grief, I think often because it isn’t public like so often death is. That often isn’t the case with miscarriage and sometimes you didn’t even know you were pregnant. Sometimes no one knew but you and there is just something strange about grieving a stranger. .
Except they weren't a stranger. Who else has lived inside of you? Who else is wrapped up so deeply in your heart and actually physically attached to you on the inside? They know you more intimately than anyone ever could, and yet you never got to know them. Never got to feel them kick, or squirm within, come forth from your body and feel them against you on the outside. You never got to kiss their soft face and say ‘oh this is what you look like’; or hear their voice in a cry, and a coo, and a sigh, feel them sleep against your chest, and show them off to the world and say ‘look, my child!’ ...